As a teenager, the power of my sacred feminine energy was taken from me by many men.
As a teenager, the power of my sacred feminine energy was taken from me by many men. Negative mental conditioning at home programmed me subconsciously to think and feel that I held little to no worth. This idea that started as a small splinter; over the course of many years, it eventually grew until it became my truth. I felt trapped, unable to free myself, and prayed for a hero to save me. After looking in all the wrong places, my true hero came in the form of a sacred plant medicine growing in the Amazon.
Meeting “Mother Ayahuasca”
At the age of twenty, I moved to Vancouver Island, Canada, a travel destination known for its abundance of free thinkers, one of whom introduced me to ayahuasca. After our conversation, I was inspired, and I spent months on the internet learning everything I could about it. Following a considerable amount of research, I found a very reputable healing center in the Amazon and booked my stay. I had the honor to drink ayahuasca seven times over the course of twelve days in Peru. Through my experiences, I learned why it is often referred to as “The Mother,” and why one of her compounds (N, N-dimethyltryptamine) has been given the title of “The Spirit Molecule.” I became fascinated with the beauty of creation, like a small child navigating their surroundings all over again. I saw the natural world as flawlessly designed by divine intelligent beings sent here as teachers of the Earth.
While each ceremony held many profound teachings for me, there was an unexpected manifestation in the first two ceremonies. In the first ceremony, I experienced vaginal swelling, abdominal bloating, and a discharge flowing out of me. Alarmed, I confided in my facilitator the next morning. With great empathy he explained it was most likely an emotional release that was presenting itself in the physical body. During the second ceremony, it presented itself again. Only this time, the discharge began to come so quickly, I started to panic. In perfect timing, ayahuasca presented to me a vision of the past to explain what was happening to me.
At thirteen years old, I had met a man ten years my senior who suffered from schizophrenia. We spent one week together. I remembered sitting in his old dirty city apartment that had only four pieces of furniture in it. As I sat there waiting for any sign of kindness, random people walked in and out. I saw many of them looking at me with confused eyes. I could hear them thinking, why is this child wrapping her arms around this man as he hands me my drugs? I remembered wondering if I was safe where I was, but the hope for a hero forced me to ignore my doubts. Suddenly, my ayahuasca vision fast forwarded to a memory of the last day I went to visit him. In my vision, I witnessed a darkness pierce through him, and I understood his sickness had taken hold of him. That was the day my virginity was stolen from me. I remembered the tears on my cheeks afterward, as I laid on nothing but a stained mattress in an empty room.
I was reminded that I had told no one what happened to me and instantly began to purge with every last bit of strength I had.
Suddenly, in my vision, seven beings reflecting a bright white emanation miraculously appeared around me. In unison, they reached inside of my abdomen and began to perform what I can only describe as a spiritual surgery. I could feel every movement from within me. Each internal shift carried with it an overwhelming gratitude as they repaired the damage I had been carrying with me all those years. I was reminded that I had told no one what happened to me and instantly began to purge with every last bit of strength I had. The tears began to flow and I put my hands together in prayer, saying “thank you” out loud, as I collapsed on my mat. That night, ayahuasca returned to me my innocence, helping me to give birth to an inner power that would begin to blossom in the years to come.
Return to Love
This new perspective revealed to me the limiting beliefs I collected growing up. I had accepted them as my reality and, as a result, allowed other people’s opinions to shape my worth as a woman.
The final ceremony brought with it a clarity, helping me understand my past. To my astonishment, ayahuasca gifted me the chance to witness every relationship I had ever formed with friends, family, and partners from a third-person perspective. Being able to watch the storyline, rather than being a part of it. This allowed me to be detached from the emotions of the story and instead gain knowledge. This new perspective revealed to me the limiting beliefs I collected growing up. I had accepted them as my reality and, as a result, allowed other people’s opinions to shape my worth as a woman.
At the end of the ceremony, I experienced another vision. I observed myself as a young girl sitting in the corner of my bedroom crying. She felt the overwhelming need to be loved and had nothing to grasp onto. I felt all the sadness overtake my present self and, as I wept, I hugged the little girl as I offered all of my love to her. I whispered in her ear “Everything will be okay, I promise.” Peacefully, the vision ended.
I was then in a room filled with thousands of duplicates of myself. Frantically, I ran up to each of them in search of the real me. After what seemed like an eternity, they all shattered into a million little pieces. I was left in the blackness with only myself and a powerful teaching as I purged: I finally understood that my unquenchable thirst for love, paired with past beliefs I had owned as my truth, had fueled me to look outwards. Ayahuasca blessed me with the knowing that those beliefs never belonged to me in the first place, enabling me to release them. As I let go, guilt and shame flowed out from within and was replaced with a warmth. In that moment, the clarity that all the love I will ever need to access is within my spirit and I can go there at any time I wish.
Following this incredible healing experience with ayahuasca, I began working with “sapo,” the sacred secretion from the Bufo alvarius toad. Having released the traumas of the past, I can feel my feminine energy reawakening.
Together, sapo and ayahuasca have healed me and set me free to the truth; the truth that spiritual alchemy is genuinely possible. We can turn lead into gold. The trials and tribulations we have experienced in the past don’t define us. If we choose to do the inner work, we can rise from the ashes and become something magnificent beyond belief. We can learn to build an extraordinary relationship with ourselves and ultimately with the Divine. I am honored to have had the opportunity to experience these medicines and I am forever grateful for the teachings they have blessed me with.
These psychedelic medicines have the potential to bring relief to those who are suffering from the aftermath of sexual trauma and enable the release of physical and emotional blockages that have occurred as a result.
These psychedelic medicines have the potential to bring relief to those who are suffering from the aftermath of sexual trauma and enable the release of physical and emotional blockages that have occurred as a result. As my experience has shown me, they can play a pivotal role in the personal healing of sexual abuse cases and should be properly explored as a treatment option.